It’s difficult to delve into the realms of American health policy without acknowledging RFK Jr.’s remarkable dentition. With his magnificent ivory set, his smile is nothing short of captivating. Numerous tales have been spun around his luminous teeth – tales of wayward ships and mistaken celestial journeyers. It’s famously noted that RFK Jr. abides by a disciplined and tooth-friendly lifestyle, hence his shining dental array.
Therefore, the public shock was considerable when RFK Jr., in tandem with the President, applauded Coca Cola’s decision to reintroduce cane sugar into their soda recipe. It’s almost mind-boggling to envision RFK Jr., our prominent Health and Human Services secretary – and a noted health advocate – endorsing sugar, whilst also working tirelessly to eradicate all traces of fluoride on a national scale.
Unquestionably, the American Dental Association, positioning RFK Jr. slightly higher than the infamous Lord Voldemort but surely lower than the grotesque clowns of Stephen King’s tales, was caught off guard. This abrupt pendulum swing in sugar policy likely left them contemplating the unexpected surge in customers. Were this sugar promotion a law instead of a mere tweet, it might fittingly be dubbed the ‘Dentist-Yacht-Incentive Act of 2025’.
Yet, no one was more taken aback than RFK Jr. himself – or more precisely, the RFK Jr. of April, who publicly declared, “Sugar is poison and Americans need to understand.” One can only wish for someone in a significant position to provide this crucial guideline. As it may be, Big Sugar seems to be the least surprised entity in this whirlwind of sugar admiration.
Our corn farmers in the Midwest, who toil endlessly to produce high-fructose syrup for a wide range of products from soft drinks to pet food, are likely gritting their relatively colorless teeth. Nevertheless, the moguls of the sugar cane industry based in Palm Beach County could potentially astoundingly benefit from this decision.
Remarkably, within a short span following a million-dollar donation to a certain political action committee by a particular corporation, the administration conveniently sidestepped ‘standard procedures’ to enable sugar trading by a company from the Dominican Republic. Despite the links to human rights abuses, the sugar company, partially owned by the same interests that made the generous donation, was approved for operation. Almost predictably, cane-sugar Coke now floods the Dominican market.
Moreover, RFK Jr.’s stance is not solely aimed at sweets, it’s also on pathetically affecting the lamentable and long-standing battle against cheese. While enjoying a meal in a Florida eatery, he commended the shoestring fries drenched in beef tallow – also known as rendered animal fat.
The restaurant, in appreciation of the its newfound popularity, has been actively selling jars of the popular beef tallow and has invested in billboards throughout North Florida to proudly showcase its return. “Critter fat!” they proclaim. The eatery expressed gratitude towards RFK Jr’s endorsement, dubbing it the ‘RFK’ing of the french fries’.
Indeed, the above phrase delivers a rather eccentric vibe. Provided your palate favors roadkill accentuated with sugared animal fat, then good fortune on your food journey. Feel free to pair your cholesterol medication with a deep-fried donut while feasting on a side of beef.
Historically, diet adaptations are not novel; Scarlett O’Hara forwent radishes amidst the Civil War, and I renounced English peas during my fourth year of life. Ultimately, it’s a matter of personal preference in our diverse nation. However, please do not attempt to convince me that health is a priority for this authority figure.
A Health and Human Services secretary with a fuller understanding of health would recognize that the ostensible victory of cane sugar over corn syrup is not as straightforward as it appears. Both are harmful in their own right, harboring the potentials for obesity and diabetes.
Such a responsible HHS secretary might even venture the short trip from Mar-a-Lago to witness one of the country’s largest sugar cane fields, where cane burning – part of the routine harvesting process – causes ‘Black Snow’. This byproduct, falling onto residential areas and local businesses, has been linked to fatalities and respiratory diseases in the predominantly impoverished and minority communities of the Glades.
It’s truly enigmatic that the President, who requested a specific button on the Resolute Desk to order sugar-free Diet Coke, would herald the endorsement of sugar in Coca Cola. But perhaps the sweet allure of sugar serves as a perfect distraction from the challenges brewing around his office. It seems, under pressure, sugar and its debate makes an interesting partner.
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